The one responsibility I didn’t want to take on alone was being a single mother. I never wanted my daughter to grow up in a world with one parent. She deserved two functioning parents to provide a safe space in a world that tells her she isn’t good enough because of her gender and the color of her skin. When I became a mother, I didn’t have a clue on what to do with her. I was afraid to raise a girl because of the struggles I was still having within myself. My underlying reality I understood was that new life existed. She didn’t ask to be here. So, put your big girl panties on and just do the best you can regardless of the FEAR.
Walk in it anyway.
Boy, did I get a shock walking in the fear. I tried everything in my power to hold on to the illusion that I knew would never work. Both of us were two broken adults that had a child. Difference was it was my first time in parenthood. His, well that’s another story. I woke up every day in flight or fight mode. So many moments during my mothering journey I really thought I wasn’t going to make it. There were times I just wanted to say: Hell with it!!…
Yet, the beauty of The Divine Creator whispered to me: KEEP GOING. I WILL NOT FAIL YOU DESPITE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
I remember a moment when my daughter was around 3 years of age. I went away for the weekend and left her with my mother. Later that evening my mother called me in a panic. She said my daughter told her the Angels showed up to give her a message saying: You and your mother will be fine. You both are covered. I didn’t question what was stated because I know God shows up however way he/she sees fit. We as humans try to control the narratives of the who, what, when, why, and how. When I returned home the next day my daughter was so excited to repeat the story again. We cuddled in my bed, and I allowed myself to sit with the message.
Throughout the years there were some dark times in our lives. All the while being alone in the journey. Every day, I prayed for things to change for both of us to parent as a unit. That pill was so hard to swallow.
What woman wants to pull this weight alone? (NONE)
Raising a child alone is the most difficult walk any parent has to experience regardless of genders. I did the best I could to protect her from the darkness that lurks in the rabbit hole folks refuse to dig deep to unpack. I was lied on. Disrespected in my humanity. All the while trying not to let her see me fold. I couldn’t let my Pumpkin see me fold. In the process of holding onto all of the hurt, pain, shame, depression, anxiety, and lies. I was deteriorating inside. I know I had a few mental breakdowns in the journey.
Oh, but what a God we serve!!
I managed to continue to pick up all of the pieces that were scattered all over the place. I had broken pieces in Germantown where I was raised. As well as every place I laid my head during my rearing.
Who wants to be a single mother? (NO ONE)
It drives me insane when folks use language and opinions, they really have no real understanding of. No woman wants to take on that by herself. When I see men hold their families down despite if he and the mother is in relationship or not gives me so much joy. I love to see when adults put their own foolishness to the side to give the child FREEDOM. We create so much unhealthy turmoil when we refuse to get out of our own way. We allow our trauma to effect what’s best for the child’s needs. I fought tooth and nail for my child to just BREATHE despite what was going on. There were some painful events that happened along the way. I’ll share soon in other blog writings.
However, I never wanted to be a single mother!!
The damage we create for our lineages is disheartening on so many levels. We make excuses and point fingers so we can’t sit in the poison we manifest through our own personal pain. Our children feel the scorns and aches of our baggage and we wonder why they behave in dysfunction, anger, and depression. We’ll dance with the devil regardless of how damaging it is to the bloodline and future generations. I made a choice to BE STILL. LET GO AND MOVE ON. My daughter deserved for me to keep making a way for our future. A wise man told me some years ago: Some men and women are just meant to be the vessel to assist with life. It doesn’t mean they will stay or assist with molding the child. I never understood what he meant at the time. I was behaving in my ego thinking he was just being insensitive and a jerk. Now, that I am mature and wiser. I get it. He was right. Smh…Lawd. This single parenthood was always a hard pill to swallow. The beauty of God’s compassion and mercy on my soul is what helped me continue to be BOLD walking in this journey. I pray one day my daughter understands why the journey had to be this way.
I still fall short in my parenting. I’m still learning and growing.
Yet, I’m thankful for God’s grace and whisper for telling me to keep going despite not having all of the tools, support, and knowledge.
Life is funny like that sometimes.
I live with NO REGRETS